Parenting is hard – it can be the hardest job in the world. What other job has 24/7 demands with no pay and no vacation time? It is exhausting both mentally and physically.
Parenting is also beautiful – it is the most fulfilling job you can do. I’ve never felt more alive than I do with my boys, they complete me.
But parenting is more than laughs and cuddles, you need to build a strong connection with your children. It takes time and energy, and a tremendous amount of effort. But it is 100% worth it to have a nice relationship where you can trust and communicate with each other.
You need to regularly connect with your child, rather than correcting them. This can help them develop into strong and confident adults – and let’s be honest here, there aren’t many strong confident people anymore, sadly. We’re all struggling with something, but no one is perfect and perfect isn’t possible.
There is so much information and unhelpful guidance that’s thrown around these days, no one was born knowing what to do – we are all just doing what the people before us did. You need to step away from all of that, learn your own things, re-teach yourself how to parent based off your own knowledge, information, and experiences. Don’t base it on someone else’s experience.
A lot of the guidance offered to parents today tells them to disconnect with their kids, and consider it disrespect when they’re children don’t listen or trust you. But it’s not! They are their own people and they will do their own things.
Disciplining a child shouldn’t start with disconnection. How many times have you heard or told your child to go stand in the corner, or go sit in timeout? This is showing them that when they do something wrong or not to your standards, they aren’t good enough. No one wants their kiddos to feel that way! But shame is a real thing. It’s a painful thing.
No one intentionally shames their child, but it happens easier than you think. Have they ever gotten in trouble or spoken to about spilling or dumping something? Chances are, they have. But would you do that to a co-worker or another? Would you yell or consider it disrespect? No, you wouldn’t. So why do we when it comes to our children?
There’s this little thing called a parent ego. It makes it very easy to first be frustrated, but you must calm yourself before trying to discipline your child – it’s hard, not a lot of people will admit that, but it’s going to be okay! This is a learning process.
When you’re feeling frustrated, try to separate your child’s identity from their behavior. They are not the way they act. They are just kids being kids. And they are good kids! When something is going on with them, try feeding into your curiosity instead of immediately putting your foot down – why are they doing or acting the way they are? What happened or changed for them to make those decisions?
When in doubt, try repairing the connection with your child. Get down on their level for a day, let them take charge for a little while – If no one is getting hurt or in danger and nothing is being broken, what’s the big deal? At the end of the day, you need to let go a little. Kids are going to be kids, things are going to happen, life is going to happen. You can’t micromanage everything – even if you can. So take a step back and live a little with your kids, you’d be surprised at how drastically their behavior can change. Ask them questions, kids change their minds multiple times a day – what’s their favorite game right now? What would make them happy or excited?
We all make mistakes – accidents happen. We need to be careful not to unintentionally shame our children. This happens all the time, because when things start to go wrong, children tend to freeze up. This is completely normal! However, many parents feel disrespected when they are met with silence rather than an immediate answer – it is not disrespect! It is a completely normal reaction.
As a parent, you have to have eyes in the back of your head. You also need to have a shame detector. Shame can completely break someone, and a lot of kids feel shame when they do something wrong or on accident. If they are feeling this way, you need to connect with them. Tell them there’s no reason to feel shame, accidents happen but life goes on.
Be a conscious parent – be present. Be aware of your children’s fears and shame. Don’t control, but guide them. Don’t blame them.
This goes for parents who are bringing new littles into the world as well – don’t blame the baby.
When you’re busy with feeding, changing, or just simply loving, don’t ever blame the baby! This can cause sibling rivalry and pent up emotions with older siblings. Instead, involve them. Involve them in feeding, cleaning, bathing, and diaper changes. Involve them with books and tummy time! The connection you want – and the connection your children need to thrive – comes from you. You have to work hard for it.
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